I’ve got a few things to say to you, you idiot.
The doxy venom in the Fainting Fancies is going to be too much the first time you try it. Be prepared for a shite day because you lose the game of rock, paper, scissors and you’re the lucky bastard who gets to find that out. But it’s okay, let it be you. It doesn’t hurt, just don’t feel like you got the short end of the stick. In the long run, a headache doesn’t matter, and the next time you try it, it’ll be perfect.
Don’t be upset when Umbridge kicks you off the Quidditch team. I know it’ll make you mad, and it’ll really blow at first, but it’ll be worth it. It’ll be worth it to watch Ginny and Ron play and win, even if it means you’re in the stands. It’ll be worth it to blow your entire stock of fireworks before the end of the year, trust me, it’ll be a revolution. You’ll make more.
When you start breeding miniature Puffskeins, see if you can find a way to make other colors besides pink and purple. You’ll get requests for greens and blues. Make sure you keep some Dittany behind the counter, because clumsy kids and Fanged Frisbees don’t make very good friends.
Yeah. There’s gonna be a counter, mate. A counter in a shop and it’ll be everything you ever dreamed it to be and more. Don’t stay away too long. I know you’re probably thinking, ‘If it’s real, if it happens, why would I stay away?’ You’ll want to stay away. I’m telling you not to.
Look up some good ear jokes. Tons of them, make a list, and remember them. Also… You should probably get an earring. Or something. Decorate it while you have it, don’t question it, just do it. Left.
Stay close to Fred. Always.
Savor it. Don’t take a moment for granted. Speak in tandem. Get as much done in twenty years as you can. Laugh at all the jokes, even if they’re not the best. Hell, even dare to mutter the ‘L’ word a few times, because God knows you didn’t say it enough. Not near enough…
Don’t let him out of your sight on May 2nd, 1998, okay? You don’t want to know what happens if you get separated. Fight with him, right next to him, and keep him away from the walls. Alright, just stay in the middle of the room or.. or don’t go at all, just don’t let him go anywhere alone. Not then, okay?
I should know it won’t make a difference. Promise you won’t be mad at Percy, no matter how easy it’ll be. Don’t hurt yourself.
That’s about it.
I know this is rubbish. It won’t change a thing. But now I wish I could send this back and see if my past self has the decency to take my own advice.